...probably wouldn't inflict as much hurt as the unintentional wound from your own flesh. At least that's what I'm thinking at the moment.
This was not the cheerful, upbeat little post that I planned. In fact, this is not like most of my posts at all. But this is from my heart tonight...and painfully honest... and it helps to sort out my feelings... so bear with me.
Sometimes, there are those days when you are nervous or moody or teetering on the edge of feeling sad and discouraged...so that it only takes one hurtful thing said to reduce you to a heap of tears.
And the hurt is made that much worse because it comes from the lips of your very own eight year old daughter.
I won't go into exactly what the hurtful things said were, but they were her private thoughts revealed, not wanting to hurt me at all. When she saw that she had (though I did try to hide it) she cried, deeply remorseful.
But then...so did I in private.
It was the kind of revealed feelings that one might expect your daughter to express to you if she was dangling from the throws of adolescence...thirteen...maybe twelve. But not eight. Definitely not eight.
Keep in mind that she didn't spew these things out of a spiteful heart...in fact, she was afraid to bear her thoughts to me. Which makes them more painful.
Though these were not her exact words, it was almost as if her true feelings were that she was the offspring of some strange, nerdy family...with nerdy parents and uncool mom who didn't "look" like other moms. A family who was so uncool, that their car broke down on the way to a wedding one time and didn't seem to have it all together like other families.
When I had time to get myself together from her remarks, I was- and am- bewildered.
There were a couple specific things that were mentioned tonight which were true...painfully true. But after feeling my spirit completely crushed for a good while, I began to think about all the kinds of families out there...single parent families, working families...and although many of these were good families, I began to think how blessed she was to have her particular family.
And I didn't look like other moms? I may be 44, but I have to say, there are times I think I look darn good for 44!
Oh, I have my bad days...um weeks...but I *try* to keep fit, wear make-up at least most of the time, and sometimes even wear semi-trendy clothes. (Although, I admit not quite as much as I'd like, because my wardrobe money tends to go to the kids for their own clothes, toys and school books...hmmm...)
I see wonderful moms out there of all shapes and sizes, and can't help but think that their children probably still consider them truly beautiful. Especially their eight year olds.
Maybe not so much their twelve year olds.
But more than likely, their eight year olds.
Now, keep in mind, my little girl loves me like crazy. Hence her tears, when she realized her statements were hurting me. And bless her heart, she kept telling me afterwards that she loved me. But nevertheless, they were her true eight year old opinions and thoughts...and that's what hurts this mommy the most. She didn't throw out words to intentionally hurt me out of anger....but honesty.
I've heard of those first hurts inflicted on parents from their children...I just didn't think they would be coming so soon. There's almost nothing that can hurt your feelings worse than your own child thinking less than wonderful thoughts about you.
I thought the embarrassment she might feel would come later on...but for now, they would think that the sun rose and set with me.
(At least my five year old still does.)
And if she thought these things now, what about five years from now? Was all hope lost?
However, as I was in the midst of the pain, sitting alone on the sofa after hearing these hurtful words at bedtime, I was reminded once again that it is not the opinion of a human that is the measuring stick of worth...but of who I am in Christ. He knows my shortcomings and sins, but still, He not only loves me, but is proud of me because of who I am in Christ.
As I sat on the sofa, I prayed...and I prayed that if there is something about me that conveys a lacking in confidence (which I'm sure there is) that God begins to heal that in me, not only for my sake, but for the model I want to portray to my daughters about being a woman.
But I also pray that my daughter's eyes are opened to see me with new appreciation...yes, even admiration.
Because, though I am so far from being the perfect parent, I know that she actually blessed with a loving mom who continually gives of herself to her on a daily basis.
We may seem currently like a "dumb family" in her eyes, but we are a Christian family who loves the Lord...sometimes falls short, but always strives to please Him.
I may not be blonde or perky nor always wear this season's latest trends on the walkway...but my appearance seldom scares anyone when I venture out in public and, more importantly, I hold Christ-like values in esteem.
But maybe, instead of her attitude about us growing worse, maybe with God's help, it will only get better.
Maybe, by the time she's twelve, and her heart is crushed by a friend who has betrayed her or a boy who won't even look at her...I will fix her her favorite sandwich and tell her she's beautiful, not really seeing her broken out complexion nor her gangly legs...and maybe...just maybe...
she'll suddenly think I'm the coolest mom around.
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27 comments:
Oh my. I appreciate your honesty and know your hurt well. The struggle between child and parent as they endeavor to discover who they really are is very intense. The point to remember and glean from this is she was "honest" about her feelings. That is such a rare thing. The fact that you have posted this shows where that honesty comes from!!!! I would say you are on the strongest of footing with your daughter. Treasure it and build upon it. She is just beginning to deal with "the cares of this world" and your giving her the right and freedom to do that will help her see the falseness of this world. Here are my hugs for you (((((hugs)))))
Susan
This was a sad thing to read. I can surely understand why hurtful words from an 8 yr old would surprise you. An adolescent, that would be more understandable.
I suspect these thoughts are not her own. I suspect she has heard them from another little friend. Or from TV. Not even necessarily about YOU perhaps, but about someone. And your daughter is perhaps just overthinking a worldly view that is new to her. She is trying out new thoughts and ideas. And she is comparing, which we women, young and old, are very good at. Usually we give ourselves the short end of the deal when we do.
I'm with Susan, ((((hugs)))) from me too. Give it up to God. Ask Him to let you hear the lesson He might have, even if it is a lesson that is for your daughter and perhaps not even for you. And beyond that, ask Him to help you forget the entire thing. Gone! No sense in holding on to hurt.
Prayers.
Oh Tammy, I agree with Becky, this seems to me more like lines she saw somewhere else, and trust me, all parents are the meanest parents on earth one day or another, and you are not alone. And I pray for you to see God at work in your life, no matter how hopeless your circumstances may seem now and to bring about good when we can’t see it. If you have a chance check this blog: http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/ Have a great week!
Oh Tammy, I don't usually read other comments before I write mine, but I did this time. And I find that they reflect much of what I was thinking. I believe your sweet little girl may have heard those things spoken by someone else (perhaps someone being hurtful) and they have just gotten bigger in her own mind. It may be more about her feeling accepted by her peers than anything to do with you.
I would image each of us has experienced something very similar to this as our children struggled through different stages. I know there was a time my daughter wished desperately for a different family.
I felt very hurt over that. I wonder if she even remembers now. She is all grown up - and we are closer than I ever imagined possible.
You are so sweet and tender-hearted. She will see you exceptional value before too long -I am sure of it. She just has a little growing up to do.
I send you love and a huge hug across the miles.
Been there. SO done that!
(((((hugs)))))
My heart broke for you as I read this post; from a mother's perspective I definitely could feel how that would hurt to have your daughter say things like that - even if it wasn't out of spite, or trying to be mean. Words can cut to the core. I'm sorry you experienced this and just wanted to offer you a big cyber hug.
What a beautifully written post. I love your heart. I love that you share even the hard things. And I know this was hard. You're so right, it seems to hurt so much more when it comes from someone you love more than life itself. But, Susan is right...you've given her a wonderful example of honesty and the right to reveal her feelings. My advice is to make sure she knows that it's okay so she will continue to be honest and will continue to communicate with you.
Hugs!
Kat
Oh Tammy, believe me, every parent will go through this at one time or another...I doubt that any child is truly happy with the parents they have, they always find something to criticize, especially if they have friends who say how uncool parents are. I know that 8 years old seems kind of young to be saying things like that but it seems kids are acting so much older these days and learning these things so much ealier than we did. I know how devastated you felt and how much it crushed your spirit but you handled it well and she realizes how much she hurt you...she will learn from this too! (((Tammy))) xoxo P.S. Make sure you read my Sunday post, there's something there for you:-) xoxo
Tammy,
I am sorry that this has happened long before you expected it too. I have heard it said that no one can break your heart like your own child. You ARE a beautiful woman of God, and one of the most talented that I've come across in blogville when it comes to writing. Even this post, in the midst of pain, was written so well. I know she feels awful. When I was younger, one of my brothers and I were talking about my dad wearing a pair of jeans that we didn't care for...they had a hole in them and were just not "cool"...our other brother heard us talking and told our dad right in front of us. I had never felt so awful for saying something. I apologized to my dad that night in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep...I felt so bad that I went and woke him up. But, to this day, I wish I had never commented on his "uncool" jeans...
Your daughter has such a LOVING mom. You are right..one day she will be feeling blue and you will be there for her. Keep your chin up, my friend. It will get better.
Much love,
Corrie
Bless your heart, Tammy. I know how this hurts a mommy heart. I know it's the hardest thing but try not to dwell on it. Obviously you are a family who are able to talk to each other honestly and openly. That's a good thing. Kids go through their phases and pick up so much from other sources that they need to discern and sort through. It really is a growing thing for her and you are the loving mom that you are to help her learn to do that. Big hug to you, because I know, no matter what the reasoning, it still did hurt.
You know, it hit me when I was 9 but it often happens at 8--suddenly you no longer see your parents as part of yourself and instead they are separate entities who are not perfect. I thought my parents were horrid when I was 9 and those thoughts didn't come out to my parents until I was in the throws of adolescents. My eldest (age 9.5) and middle, (age 7.7)both have expressed the views that occur when they realize that they are separate and different from their parents.
My son hasn't hit it yet--I am still the center of his world--of course he is only 5. Praise the Lord that her heart is soft and malleable, kind and gentle and open enough to openly share instead of being as I was, feeling I couldn't share with them how I felt and thus taking revenge instead. Praise the Lord that she is sharing now instread of in anger in her teens. I suspect that she will figure out how wonderful her family is sooner because she is open now.
Ouch!
I don't know if you remember me writing about this, but I've been through something a bit similar with my oldest daughter this year - a lot of very critical and hurtful honesty. It DOES hurt - we DO want our children to think we're cool. But more important is that you're raising a child who is honest and who shares her heart with you, I think.
OH Tammy1 I did not raise girls, but believe me I have walked this path with boys.
I think you have already begun to sort it out and turn it over to God. That is the first step that we all have to take with any burden.
I know from reading about your relationship with your girls that you are the kind of mom who will talk through this with her at the appropriate time. You and she already have a good relationship and you can always come back to that.
We went through some similar times with our boys--when they were unsure about family and parent "coolness."You know, they are not only our sons now, but two of our best friends! We have a trusting relationship with both of them.
Hang in there, you and the Lord with get through this.
Oh Tammy, it's so hard to hear our kids' honest opinions sometimes. I think they are more willing to just "tell it like it is" in their eyes when they are eight because they don't know what the ramifcations of such statements can be.
I love that you are praying and asking God to reveal to your little girl that He doesn't look on outward appearance, but the heart.
I pray that He continues to strengthen your bond with your daughter and that someday she'll realize how blessed she is to have a Mom that loves her so much!
Blessings to you!!
:-) Susan
I hear your heart tonight and it goes out to you. It's tough sometimes when hurtful words comes from people we love, especially little ones. You know she loves you. You are a good lady and God loves you.
I read your post with a hurting heart & tears in my eyes. I also have the feeling that she has picked up on remarks made by either a friend or family member because of the comment about the car breaking down. This does not sound like her at all, but I am proud of you for the way you handled it & I hope that she will continue to share her thoughts with you. I know the Lord will continue to guide & direct you as you teach her by word & example, so that she too wiil become the woman that the Lord created her to be. I am very proud of the woman you have become & hope she will realize what a "cool" mom she has.
Can I just say your last paragraph is right on target. This was painful for me to read, Tammy, because you are so sweet and beautiful, inside and out. Remember that while 8 year-olds are developing a sense of the world around them, their filter is skewed. As smart as she is, I'm sure there are sometimes she surprises you with how young and mmature she is, because, after all, she is still a very little girl. That said, while I get the part about her honesty, that does not mean that her filter reflects the truth in any way. I have been hurt by my kids as little ones and teenagers. This is part of momdom. They are their own individual people and will say and do things that you did not teach them is OK; even "good" kids do this. I could just go on and on. I'm glad you have perspective to know how she really loves you. Her perspective does not necessarily, and in this case, not at all, equal truth. And just for the record, anyone can be a blonde; you just need a box from Walmart. Blonde moms get their hearts trampled on, too! Love you! Adding hugs.
Oh my, how emotional this must be for you. I have been there- done that and I can feel the pain in your heart because I have been in your shoes. But this too shall pass... those hormones will settle, and she will be a beautiful bride telling her mom how much she loves her! Hang in there and thanks so much for all of your sweet comments. More later!
Oh boy, Tammy. I've been down that tough road. With all 3 of my girls. It's hard when they start the comparisons. I was 37 when Alaina was born, and I WAS NOT cool to my then 10 and 13 year olds. Looking back, I can tell you, it is only a phase. But it sure did hurt then, as I know you are hurting now. If it helps, Christie (2 years ago) wrote me a 3 page apology for the hurtful things she said to me when she was 13. It does get better.
I, too, had to lay at the foot of the cross, and depend on Him to help me through it, and not react in my flesh. He will see your through.
Blessings and Hugs my friend.
Karen
Oh no. I hate that your feelings have been so hurt Tammy. And you're right. Coming from an adolescent, you'd actually be able to blow it off and attribute it to the age and the hormones and the natural clashes between mothers and daughters.
I can see where this landed on you like a bomb, so unexpected. But trust me. As she grows older and matures, she'll very definitely appreciate you and her whole family more. And as she grows older and is more aware how dysfunctional some families are, she will realize how blessed she is.
I just hate it that your feelings were hurt like this.
Your daughter is so blessed to have a christian Mom and she will come to realize this in time. I know your heart is aching now but it will get better. I didn't have girls but I went through the same thing with my son but now our relationship is so good and we can talk about most everything. Hang in there and don't let this bump in the road keep you down. xoxox
Tammy, I haven't reached this point with our own child yet, but my husband has had many of these times with his daughter from his first marriage. The pain and hurt still happens, even though you know it wasn't said with a hurtful intent. I remember saying things to my mom that I wanted to take back the minute the last word left my mouth. I feel for you...I really do. You have been so honest and forthright in your writing and just knowing others have some of the same experiences might not make you feel better right now, but in the long run, I hope it eases the pain a little. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I missed this. I see that you've already posted an "I'm feeling a little better" update.
Just know that it's normal. It's normal for children to notice and compare themselves and their family to others. It's even normal for them to occasionally wish they or we were someone else.
But they'll get past it...they'll grow out of it. Actually, they'll get past it a couple of times at least (which means it's likely to happen a couple of times at least).
Try not to take it personally and just keep loving her from your heart. That's what she'll remember.
I'm so sorry that your mommy heart had to hurt so badly. Little girls sometimes say things that their little heads don't understand can cause pain because they are too young to even understand the power in their words. Unfortunately the older they get the harder it gets when their words spill forth without thought.
As adults our hearts can be so hurt, but we really do need to remember that we are the grown ups and they are still growing in their maturity. Forgiveness has needed to be practiced over and over in our household as the females in this house have said things that they've regretted more than once.
God bless you for being a wonderful and loving mother. Trust me when I say that someday she will be grown and see you with great value. My husband told me over and over that it would take my girls growing up and moving out for them to see what I had invested in them. He was right.
Dear Tammy,
I'm just catching up, but wanted to echo what the others have said here. My grandson is eight, and I often hear him repeat a phrase that he hears. He doesn't always fully understand how words can hurt sometimes, but with time he'll learn, just as will your little one. How can she not with a sweet and compassionate natured Mom?
(((hugs)))
peer pressure starts so young.
trust that when she is in her 20's you'll be the smartest thing since sliced bread
What a heartfelt post! This is certainly old news, but nonetheless probably still fresh in your mind and heart.
I can see your courageous spirit as it clings to the promises of our faith to find truth. I applaud you for giving your daughter the room to be expressive and share with you on an intimate level. This is truly the beginning of a relationship that can give and receive, all healthy marks of something good between a mother and a daughter.
I pray that as the days have passed God has made the lesson clearer.
Blessings
Growing with Julia
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