I have gotten to know a great many wonderful Christian women through church, home school groups, ect. And though with many of them I am friends with on a more "surface" basis, still...I love the camaraderie and fellowship that we share. It's good to share similar goals and be there for each other. I'm somewhat shy by nature, but I still appreciate getting together with other women. I think that is how God made most of us!
There is one woman, however, who for some reason or another, I have never felt completely comfortable with. She is a good person, by the way. Not evil hearted in any sense of the word...but yet, there has been that peculiar bristling whenever I am around her.
It's one of those things that is sometimes hard to put my finger on. Almost that subtle feeling of being judged.
It turns out I was pretty much right.
This weekend, she called me to tell me exactly about how and why I recently frustrated her. I was not completely surprised...I could tell by her vibes that she was mad at me concerning a particular situation.
She said she had prayed for the right words... and as she launched in, I inwardly prayed, too.
And I tried desperately not to dissolve in a humiliating puddle of tears, but just barely got by being able to do so.
In all fairness, there was an ounce of legitimacy in her complaint...and I told her I understood some of her frustration...still, she was seeing it from her own side. There was more to the situation on my end than she knew. She saw the end result...I saw the hours of my own frustration I put in trying to make it all happen and hitting one dead end after another.
And though she is not on my "people I would most want to hang out with on a dessert island"...there's just something in me that wants everyone to like me. Everyone.
Even the ones that I'm not especially fond of. Does that make any sense?
It seems silly that I would feel a bit hurt by someone whom I have always felt uncomfortable around anyway...but that is just my tendency.
I just want to be liked by every single person on the planet.
You may smile at the craziness of this statement...but even though I desire no personal friendship with this particular person, I feel bruised from her obvious bad opinion of me.
But here's a newsflash for yours truly:
Having everyone in my entire life whom I encounter liking me? Just not going to happen.
There are over 6 billion people and counting on the face of this earth. And not everyone is going to be nice to me...not everyone is going to think I'm worth their time nor energy or want to be my friend. (And I am sure there a few out there that I wouldn't want to go near, myself!)
Even though I try as best as I can to be everything to everyone, I am going to fall helplessly short...over and over again. I'm going to fail...and even though it is of no intent of my own, I'm going to let people down once in awhile. And once in awhile, someone will criticize me.
(I'm 44 years old, but some lessons are just harder to swallow sometimes.)
Maybe I'm more thinned skinned than the average person, but I suspect that most of us share somewhat similar feelings. Most of us want to be liked and accepted. It's only human nature.
But something I think God is trying to get through to me is that HE is the only One who is ever going to love me completely unconditionally. And HIS is ultimately the only opinion of me and my merits that counts.
My husband and children...my mom...they all give me a measure of unconditional love. But not completely. Theirs is only a portion...a taste of what it feels like to be loved completely. That kind of love can only come from our Heavenly Father through Christ.
And as for His opinion of each of us...
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness..." Jeremiah 31:3
I have a feeling that we may never comprehend the vastness of God's love for each and everyone of us. Probably if we did we'd be so overwhelmed that it would even be hard to function on a daily basis.
And the great thing is, He loves us even though we occasionally"drop the ball" in our daily life.
And unfathomably, He even loves us when we sin. It hurts His heart...but He loves us.
I'm not going to try and harbor ill feelings toward this particular woman. Our conversation ended somewhat amiably. But she will never be someone I feel comfortable with, and I'm guessing, the feeling's mutual.
When we were told to love one another, I'm pretty sure that the Lord didn't mean that we had be chummy with each and every person. I think He referred to caring for their heart and being kind...and knowing that they are also His children.
At the same time, we can choose to fellowship with those that are edifying to us...and there are so many people I meet on a weekly basis that I am happy to say edify me. Those that I already know, and that I am just getting to know.
But most of all, God is teaching me some very important lessons:
Not. every. person. will. like. me. (gulp...trying to swallow this concept...)
But it's HIS acceptance that should matter the very most...His unconditional love and friendship.
I am so glad that I can rely on this perfect love...whenever I fail, or whenever I fail others.
His love for each of us will never fail.
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30 comments:
A beautiful truth that we all need to be reminded of, His unconditional love. There will always be people who we just don't mesh with, & sometimes they might be an instrument of the Lord to "polish the Diamonds, he is helping us to become.
Thanks for sharing something we all encounter in our own lives & can relate to.
I struggle with this too, Tammy. Really. It can drive you crazy. You're so right about the beauty of God's accepting love though - that is what we need to rely on.
OH, TAMMY!! You are in the middle of a universal (almost) struggle for women. Truly! And like the rest of us, you wonder if it is just you? And you wonder why this upsets you so much? And you wonder how you can be "likeable" to everyone? Oh, my friend you are not alone. This is such a common, common problem.
With that I was all prepared to spout bible verses to you (Sorry, my pastor's wife hat going on)but alas ... you have found the truth for yourself. I am so glad to see it too.
Now, knowing that God's love is sufficient is easy to say, but a little harder to feel. Go with the facts, girl!
God IS who He says He is.
And... remarkably ... We are who He says WE are (not who everyone else says we are).
Rest in His total aceptance (not that none of us needs to improve any :) Rest in His love.
YOU are a child of the KING!!! Praise. The. Lord.
Like you, Tammy, I struggle with the desire to be liked. I don't think any of us who feels like that ever gets over it; we just learn to deal a little better with the disappointment or tension over the years. I really appreciate the book by Joyce Meyer, "Approval Addiction." It didn't "fix" me, but it was helpful. Blessings on you in your journey. I appreciated your transparency as you wrote on this topic.
Oh Tammy, I SO know what you're talking about!! Like you, I'm very shy in person but want everyone to like me...if they don't, then I wonder WHY and it bothers me no end! As you said, it's human nature to want to be accepted by everyone but we also have to face the fact that it will never happen. We all have our own individual personalities and some of us will just rub each other the wrong way, no matter what we do. Personalities clash, there's no two way about it! We are indeed very lucky that at least God loves us unconditionally:-) xoxo
I think you've hit a chord with most of Tammi! I think just on the basis of the types of different personalities in this world we will not be comfortable with absolutely everyone. But like you said, I don't think the Lord means we have be chummy with all. It means we care for their hearts and well being. That was very well put! And I also think that that is what God uses to refine our own hearts so that we can walk in His love. It's easy to love those we have lots in common with. It is those who have that something we don't mesh with that buff and sand our hearts down to be what God wants it to be.
And praise God that we do not have to worry about all this with God. The beauty of the truth of HIs unconditional love. Thanks for reminding us of that this morning.
And btw, I like you. :v)
oops! that is supposed to say "a chord with most of US!" I really need to proof read before I hit publish! :v)
Tammy,
This was another one of your beautifully written and inspiring posts. Most of us want to be liked by everybody, but as you say, it's only God's love that is unconditional.
((hugs))
I'm still trying to learn this truth Tammy - even at my age. I want so much to have other people's approval, and I hate confrontation of any sort.
I have, however, come to the same conclusions you have.
I'm wondering why this person felt it was her responsibility to set you straight. Interesting! I do know what you mean, though. There are people that just rub us wrong. We all have a bit of junior high left in us as well, wanting to be popular. I'm almost 60 and it hasn't completely gone away. But I know I must rub some people the wrong way, too. I'm glad not too many of them feel called upon to let me know. I just hope they're not talking about me!
Your shoulder bag looks like it could be really heavy! One of my favorite shows is on TNT and it's called The Closer. She carries a bag just like that and she's a tiny little thing. I'm into purses that have many compartments and something in each one, where I can actually find them. I bought a big bag for the trip and haven't been able to find anything ever.
Well, have a great week! We're on our way home in about an hour. SIGH, as Barb would say!
You aren't the Lone Ranger....
Hi Ho Silver... Away.....
(:
The hubby and I talked about this subject his week - as we both are having similar experience.
We just can't let it get us off course.
I think we all have run-ins with people that we just don't connect with one way or the other. I'm sorry she came down on you for something she didn't know the whole story about. Sounds like you handled it the best way you could. And you're right -that is a great lesson to realize not everyone is going to like us, but that's ok because God does!
Tammy - what a well written post about loving one another. We don't always like everyone we meet, but we are called to love. You conveyed this message well. Thank you.
I know just what you mean. I used to have a major problem with wanting everyone to like me. Then--I became a school principal! They just were not all going to like me all of the time and I HAD to get over it! What a lesson!:)
I have grandchildren now and they love me all the time!
Seriously, you wrote beautifully about the problem I think we all have at one time or another. We really only have One we have to please-and He does love us! Thank you for reminding us.
This is a very timely post for me! With my son starting a new school (Catholic school), I am meeting a lot of new people and not a getting a warm fuzzy from everyone. I am like you and want everyone to like me. It bothers me greatly when I think that someone doesn't like me and I internalize it to the point it becomes stressful.
Thanks for the reminder that there is bound to be someone out of 6 billion people that isn't going to like me (and vice versa). That God is truly the only one who is going to love me completely unconditionally. That he'll love me no matter what clothes I wear, what my hair looks like, if I volunteer for a particular event or not, etc. I'm going to try and remember this and your post next time I start to get that "I think that person doesn't like me feeling" and maybe it will help me to let it go.
I have no words of wisdom just (((hugs))) and prayer for peace!
I like you.
HUG
I can SO identify. My first thought when a certain Christian young woman self-righteously shredded me on her very popular blog was "But I'm such a nice person...EVERYONE likes me!"
I was devasted and although we have somewhat reconciled, I still find it extremely difficult (if not impossible!) to trust her.
I don't think we can help feeling bad when we know someone doesn't particularly care for us. It's just an uncomfortable feeling.
But the truth is, and this sounds so cliche, it really would be a boring life if we were all perfectly suited to each other.
It does seem a little unkind that she confronted you and made you feel bad. That doesn't seem necessary to me. If I know someone doesn't particularly like me and my personality (I know, hard to believe, huh :-) I avoid them.
By the same token, there have been occasions when I've thought, the minute I met someone, oooh, I really don't think I like you very much.
I think it's our natural tendency to try to make that person like us when we know they don't. And that's just frustrating because sometimes, it's just not going to happen.
It's just life and we have to put it behind us and go on. But I'm sorry she made you feel bad. She probably thought she was doing the right thing, but she wasn't.
Hi Tammy! Thanks for visiting me. This is a great post as I can really relate. The older I get, though, the more these situations do not bother me. I guess I'm more comfortable in my own skin and let things roll. My focus is less on *new* relationships and I'm really trying to cultivate the ones I have. I also understand personality types and realize why some people rub me the wrong way.
I love your maturity on this. It is a *problem* that every woman faces!
Throught God's grace we can still be loving. We just don't have to be everyone's best friend! :)
Blessings! I will be back to visit you. Sandy from *For Reluctant Entertainers*
This is a wonderfully written post. We all have experienced this and once it's written down by someone else, the clarity of your reasoning is so telling. Sometimes striving to be accepted and liked by everyone takes away energy for more important things. I've learned that lesson the hard way over the years! Thanks for writing this!
You are so right, we are to love unconditionally. We are even told to pray for our enemies so I would put her on your prayer list and just give it all to God.
I think we all want to be liked. Like you said, it is in our nature.
I am so sorry you were hurt. Did the woman really have to call you? It always bothers me when people don't confront me face to face, but that is me.
Still, I hate to see you hurting.
God does give us a choice in choosing our friends and who we hang out with -- God Bless You!
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I guess we all have someone that just doesn't rub us right--and that's ok. God made us all so differently--and it would be impossible for everyone to like everybody else--we can love 'em though.
Very well said Tammy.....I struggle with it too and am glad to know it's more common than I might have thought! Thanks for sharing it and for the reminder of God's unconditional love.
Tammy, this is so common, I struggled with this so much, then I am trying to think this way: - I was made to please God, and when I look up, instead of focusing on me, I can see things from His perspective and not my own. Have you read the book "Purpose driven life" it will guide you through that... Take care!
It's easier to look for the love and approval of tangible folks than to let the Lord be our all-in-all. We probably all fall into that trap. It's a cause for DAILY meditation, I'm convinced.
I don't know how necessary this woman's complaints were to voice to you. Was she confronting you on a sin? If not, maybe you should pray for her to be so filled with God's Spirit that she will be better able to let love cover a multitude of offenses (sins).
We must resist the temptation to cast everyone in our mold.
And...I like you. ;)
I struggle with this as well...a lot of the time.
I also have someone in my life/church with whom I have a similar relationship to the one you are talking about. Recently, I described her as someone who just has a totally different reality than mine. I know I am called to love her but in the day to day, it is sometimes hard for she and I to find common ground where I don't end up feeling judged.
I know exactly how you feel! Everyone should like me (and you) cause we're such nice people. I've been told I'm too thin skinned and sometimes I've thought I should somehow try to thicken it up somewhat, but then a close friend will tell me "just be who you are - it's their problem" or something like that.
"Not. every. person. will. like. me. (gulp...trying to swallow this concept...)
But it's HIS acceptance that should matter the very most...His unconditional love and friendship.
I am so glad that I can rely on this perfect love...whenever I fail, or whenever I fail others.
His love for each of us will never fail."
That is so true, yet something I struggle with too.
Hi Tammy. I read this when you first posted it and have been thinking about it ever since. I struggle so hard with what you describe, to want everyone to like me. I've been in therapy for years and it always comes back to my wanting acceptance from everyone. There is such peace in knowing God's unconditional love for us. And that should be my focus.
Thanks for posting this.
XO,
Jill
I couldn't find you E address to send you this link
Tornado in Oregon May 2006
scroll down to where it starts "A major Northeast Oregon-Southeast Washington Storm"
in response to your inquiry on my storm post
(:
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